The Bridesmaid from Hell

August 26, 2008 In the interest of full disclosure, I must say that I am not the best bridesmaid a woman could have on her bridal train. In the wedding in question, I bitched about the style of the dress, the updo (which turned out to be quite beautiful if I should say so myself) and the style and color of the shoes. But what I lacked in bridemaidism-cooperation (if such a term exist), I more than made up for in excitement. I balled my eyes out when the wedding website was unveiled…..and I happened to be on rotations in a damn hospital (folks were wondering why this black chic was crying at work………….trust me, it wasn't a pretty picture). I lost composure when I saw her walk down the aisle on her wedding day. And that first dance…………..Lord, did I embarrass myself, and the poor guy sitting next to me. Okay…………since I have revealed all my sins, I am about to let my wrath out on the bridesmaid who will be referred to as "Bella". I have never met anyone who could do nothing right………….that is before I met Bella. Weeks after the wedding, I still can't figure out if she defied the bride's orders on purpose or if she was just plain clueless. My gut tells me that no one is that stupid………………..really!! As part of the bridal train, we were REQUIRED to have an updo, French pedicures, silver peep-toe shoes and a custom made dress……….simple requirements. With requirements this simple, you'd think that your bridesmaids would comply (albeit grudgingly) to your demands. NOOOOOOOOOOOOO…….not Bella!! Did that chic work my last nerves? She walked into the wedding rehearsal with an updo that looked nothing like what the bride desired. Heck, we found it hard to believe that she was using the updo for the wedding. And this, my dears, began a series of events that ended up irritating even the bride herself. Saying she did nothing right is the understatement of the year. Instead of French pedicures, she had on some silver nail polish thingy. Her updo was/is a mockery of anything called an updo. Her dress was extremely ill-fitting because she did not have a final fitting. The aso-ebi for the reception was non-existent. Her attitude throughout the wedding was one of selfishness——-nonchalance——lackadaisical——lordcouldIgoonandon And to top-off it all off, was the shoes…………..god the shoes. The bride requested silver-metallic shoes, she wore shoes that were akin to black. How does one confuse silver/metallic for black? Who is that stupid/selfish? Apparently Bella is!!!! Till the day I die, I will never forget the look (should I say shock) on the bride's face when she saw those shoes. LOL. If looks could kill. And you could see the damn shoes in some of the pictures. She's lucky the bride is the polite sort. I would have kicked her off my train. Her and that damned groomsman (Look for the Article featuring Ben…………coming soon) Bella……………lovely Bella. Somewhere during the reception, she melted into oblivion. Truly, no one knew what became of her after dinner. While, I am a big advocate of looking hot when on a bridal train. But abegi, to do Bridesmaid no be by force. Them no beg you to come do bridesmaid. Heck, Bella requested to be one. So if you can't comply with the wishes of the bride or you find her requests to be too idiotic/demanding/financially draining for you, then get off the damn train. So, to all the Bellas of this world……………beware the wrath of brides who think like me. Spare us the agony of dealing with your crap…………………..and the annoyance of seeing you ruin my wedding pictures. I paid for the damn wedding pictures. Don't ruin them, damn it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please Invest in Your Wedding

August 26, 2008 My Reverie Exotic flowers cascading from every corner of the room, chandeliers in their exquisite beauty dropping down from several spots on the ceiling, top of the line photographers snapping guests posing in modelesque manners, teeth glistening like pearls in the moonlight, a cake that rises for what appears to be miles, guests all chattering and plates clinking as the silverware hits the smooth enamel of the dinner plates that hold the scrumptious meal that $100 per head would get you. All this is happening as Onyeka Onwenu's classics play softly in the back ground….the DJ is seriously representing!!! The hall is a master piece of what I would like to call the handi work of the crème de la crème of wedding planners, but there is only one problem….this is a reverie!!!! The Reality I snap out of my reverie as the irritating noise seems to seemingly escalate exponentially. The actual scene that permeates my senses is chaos as the guests stand up randomly to get the food that they have been craving for over 4 hours. They have sat through a wedding ceremony that lasted 4 hours (why did they need 4 pastors officiating the wedding and why did they actually have to have a service? Talking about the couple's first service together…tcheeewww), and have had to sit through another hour and a half of introductions of guests to be seated on the high table. All these mind you, without so much as a puff puff to silence the rumbling of our (the guests) hungry stomachs. "Here we go again", I mutter under my breath. The tables have soiled sheets thrown on them as though the process was an after thought. Some chairs have broken legs, the table is decorated with plastic flowers, styrofoam plates and silverware made of plastic spoons from the dollar store (I am sure I saw the exact replica there while shopping for our church's picnic two weeks ago). The hall seems like it had been haphazardly decorated as though the person doing the decorating was being swept away by the cops for an offence…"the violation of poor decorating skills," I think to myself. Some random person is taking pictures of the guests with a disposable camera and in the background, I hear several babies screaming their young lungs out as though it is the end of the world for them. I hear an argument erupt behind me and witness several guests run to a section of the room. My gaze follows the guests and catches the cake crashing down as the argument morphs into a boxing match between the maid of honor and the groom's sister. No joke o! On the poor bride's wedding day? People come on!!!! This was the scene from a real live wedding that took place earlier this year o!!! Honest to God! The source of this boxing match was STRESS!!! Let's take a short journey to explore the onset of this unfortunate occurrence. Several Months Before the Wedding The bride is seriously stressing out. The cost of her dream wedding seems to be way too exorbitant, so she decides to "trust" that she can plan the wedding herself. "Afterall wedding planners do it all the time", she thought. Plus, she always did have a good eye for colors and fabrics and decorating. She gets rid of the wedding planner and solicits the help of her equally artistic and stylish bridesmaids and sisters-in-law to help with the planning of the wedding. Everyone is glad to lend a helping hand and to be trusted with such sacred a task. The bride is SUPER content as she does the mental check note and congratulatory dance at the decision she has made; the decision that would ensure that she saves $20,000 but unbeknownst to her, cause her her temporary sanity. Moving on to a month before the wedding!!! 1 Month Before the Wedding The bride is scrambling around. Procrastination crept into the planning process and now, nothing has been done. The process of making the cake is still undetermined. The decoration of the hall has not been given a second thought since the bride asked for the support of her bridesmaids and sisters in-law. The bride's mother is constantly getting on her nerves. "Why is this woman harassing me", she thinks to herself. "After all, I have everything under control", she thinks as she rolls over on her bed and tries to relax her nerves by going to sleep, but the realization that nothing is getting done, especially with the wedding date approaching, keeps her awake. 1 week before the wedding The bride realizes that the help she has solicited is not reliable. See, it is extremely difficult to find people that will be 100% supportive of your ideas, especially if you are not paying them; everyone has an idea of how "it" should get done and when "it" should be accomplished. If you ever find people that are 100% supportive of your ideas, I beg you in the name of God, HOLD ON TO THEM AND NEVER LET THEM GO!!! Plus, working with 8 women with diverse backgrounds is just stirring room for trouble. But I digress!!! Back to the story!!! At this point, the bride has a general idea of what she wants but nothing concrete has been done to ensure that this "big picture" is achieved; the bridesmaids and sisters-in-law at least attempt to bury their dislike for one another—the dislike that this task they have been mandated by the bride to accomplish has caused. Everyone has their opinion and suggestion as to how things should be. Even the bride is confused at this point, but is hopeful that everyone would eventually be on the same page that she is on. 1 night before the wedding The bridesmaids and in-laws are trying to cook for 350 guests. Unbelievable!!! Nothing seems to be going well at all. All 8 women plus mothers, aunties, and cousins are crammed into the tiny kitchen and tempers are about to reach a feverish peak. The anger and irritation from phone calls that have been made back and forth during the previous week has transferred into the kitchen; it is so tense in there that the bride says a silent prayer to St. Philomena, her guardian saint, to prevent any out burst from occurring tonight. In addition, the hall that was supposed to have been decorated that night was still a sparse warehouse. Nothing has been done to ensure that it would get decorated in time for the reception. An aunty has been tasked to bake the cake, but she has not started the baking process. They have less than 18 hours to have everything complete, but the whole affair is nothing but chaos. The day of the wedding and part 1 of my thoughts The bride sure did save $20,000, but the wedding is a hot mess. Nothing is complete. They have managed to pull everything off, but the execution lacks the finesse that I believe every wedding deserves. I am all for weddings on a budget, but please, for this occasion, splurging a little bit is allowed ehn! A beg! And then, to make matters worse, the fight breaks out!!! Tension is so high at this point that it has resulted to physical blows exchanged by one of the bridesmaids and one of the bride's sisters-in law. Both women had gotten into a heated argument the night before and had, at that moment, decided to take on round 2 of the match. My question is why they did not exchange blows the night before so they could avoid the humiliation that they now caused the poor bride, the groom, themselves, and both families. At least if they had beaten themselves to stupor the night before, they would have taken some Advil or Tylenol, put an ice pack over their bruises, woken up to a new and bright day, covered those bruises by the ever faithful makeup (afterall, there is nothing that a good concealer, foundation, and press powder cannot hide), and pretended to be on civil terms with each other. Goodness gracious!!! The groom was so upset at everything (mind you, he gave his full support of the bride's thrifty idea o) and left the wedding! He did not even spend the night with the poor bride (the nerve of him, but that is another topic of discussion to be saved for a later date). So, while in the long-term, she saved herself and her hubby $20,000, the short-term repercussions were a huge disaster; the cons that this saving presented way outweighed the savings itself!!! My thoughts!!! Anyways, in case you have not figured it out and are wondering where I am going with this, it is simple….THIS IS NOT AN OCCASION TO BE A CHEAP SKATE!!!! Your wedding day should be a day of great excitement and relaxation for everyone involved. Lord knows that your family will get on your nerves, so just create enough space to accommodate their constant bickering, suggestions, ideas etc. All I have to say is the only suggestion I want on that day is the suggestion of giving me money to cover the expenses of the wedding; if the greasing of my palms with your money is not going to be a part of the suggestion, please save it until after the wedding day. By the grace of God, I will be in a financial position to hire a competent wedding planner who can stress over my day for me—afterall, it's not her day now ahn ahn—and figure out how to fix whatever loop holes she finds in the process. All I know is that I am going to pay her well for her services, so she had better not transfer the stress that my wedding day may present to me. So, if you are planning a wedding, abeg, find someone that is competent, set the ground rules (e.g. for each second they stress you about the details of the wedding, threaten to subtract $1 from their pay), relax with your hubby to be, and watch everything fall into place. Do you know of a good wedding planner? Please share the planner's information at http://www.fabnaija.com/.

2008 Nigerian Wedding Website Challenge

August 21, 2008 Update as of October 31, 2009: click here for the 2009 Challenge results. http://fabnaija.wordpress.com/2009/11/02/winner-wedding-website-challenge-2009/ We all love checking out the wedding websites. Now, here's your chance to reward the ones you really like. Click here http://www.fabnaija.com/wedding_website.php to vote for your Nigerian wedding website of the year. Wedding websites have become a part of the Nigerian wedding culture. Every year, new websites are created; more colorful and more entertaining than the previous year. http://www.fabnaija.com/ is opening up the opportunity to reward couples for a job well done in entertaining the Nigerian community with their websites. This annual competition is open to public vote. Three websites will be awarded first place, second place and third place. The websites must be created for weddings that will take place in 2008. The first place winners will receive 4 Nigerian movies (to watch during their honeymoon). The second place winners will receive 3 such movies and the third place winners will receive 2 movies. Also, check out this checklist for Nigerian Weddings. The checklist helps you remember all the things you need to do to prepare for your wedding and you will even get a few Nigerian wedding tips that you never taught about before.

Without a Man I am Nothing

He had this condescending laugh that drove me crazy Like the fact that he was a man…..an African man…..better yet, a Nigerian man……made him better than me… Because somehow, this made him superior Irrespective of the fact that I was more accomplished than him Apparently my accomplishments are decimated by the absence of a life partner My worth determined by the presence of a man Without him, I am nothing……… And my accomplishments, naught!! Her behavior towards me is similar to his…………….. She has this air of superiority that amuses me Because I was supposed to be jealous of her After all, she was married and with child, and I………I am single Even though I hate……..loathe…..pity…..dread…..her lifestyle Indeed, she's convinced I want to be like her………married and with child But is that my lot as an African……..a Nigerian…..a woman Am I not allowed to dread motherhood, at this age………….and all that comes with it? Am I not allowed to be narcissistic……..? To love my body, my weight, my breasts (sorry boobs)…….more than the joys of motherhood Yes, I am single……………and still loving it I am not beholden to anyone………….I can come and go as I please My money is MY MONEY………….to be used on me………not the family, not the babies…me And when I walk into a room, I still turn heads……..like never before So tell me….what's so great about marriage, again? The responsibilities…………….the in-laws………the babies?? The weight gain, saggy boobs, stretch marks, sleepless nights, sacrifices………..that come after babies??? See………….it's a choice………..my singlehood I'm not in the wifey..babymaking…..motherhood…..whatever… mind frame yet So save the pity, the derision…………….they make me gag And the hookups…………God, the hookups Unless he's hella hot……and filthy rich, don't even bother I'll meet him at my own time………….. My priority right now is me, my career, my future…..my money Hmmm!!! I think I know the author of this one! Me dia, stay strong o jare!!! I love the "my money" part. LOL! Edit Comment By: Jumoke on August 6, 2008 at 6:37 pm Reply preach it….my dear. Even though I think I'd rather spend HIS money. I'm not really with the making my own money thing. O.k. don't be afraid, I'll continue to work, but if I find that overwhelming rich 9ja guy, I'll quit instantly. ok, I'm kidding.

How to Choose the Perfect Asoebi for Your Event!

8-5-2008

Congratulations, you are engaged and you have the big fat ring to prove it. Or if you are like me, Congratulations, your very close friend is getting married and it’s time to help her make all those all important decisions. What to wear, what to serve, how to decorate, the date for the wedding, whether she really wants to marry that guy (that’s a discussion for another day) and finally, perhaps one of the most nerve racking decisions for a Nigerian bride – what materials do we buy for the asoebi?

Before we discuss how to choose the asoebi materials, let’s discuss why people bother having asoebi. Once you understand the reasons for this in the first place, you can tailor your purchase accordingly …hopefully. Now, if you’ve already had your wedding , this column may be a little late to save you from asoebi disaster, but never mind , you can pass along your knowledge or use it for another occasion.

Why asoebi? You do asoebi because even though the wedding lasts for one day (or maybe a whole weekend), the pictures are forever. Again, the pictures are forever!!! And you want those really cute pictures of your friends and family members. Now , of course, there are other reasons: like family solidarity, being able to tell the friends of the bride, the friends of the groom, the bride’s side, the groom’s side and maybe like I’ve seen once, the friends of the groom’s sister (I thought that was a little much). But when it comes down to it, no reason is more important to the bride than having those cute pictures. It’s the same reason we have bridesmaids, etc.

Now, that’s your reason. But remember that your beautiful single friends may also be hoping for the opportunity to meet a cute, God fearing, tall and handsome guy at your wedding (at least that’s what I hope to find…….holla at a sister if you have any ideas), so you want to choose something that does not make them look like ducks.

With our 2 goals in mind (cute pics and beautiful looking girlfriends), lets delve into tips for choosing the perfect asoebi

· Avoid brown or mint green or orange: there’s a reason blue, purple and pink asoebis are very common. It’s not because the users have no imagination. It’s more because those colors actually picture well. If you must use a different color and you probably should at least try to, please avoid dull colors. Brown on 15 girls just has a way of looking dull and unexciting. If the point is to spice up the wedding pics, you certainly will not accomplish your goal with brown or gray or some really dull looking, eye repelling yellow.



· In the same vein, avoid dark or overly bright colors unless they are mixed in with other colors. For example, don’t use all wine lace. 15 girls in wine lace look like they are heading to a burial (to bury the beauty of your wedding). No, don’t do that. On the other hand, don’t use really light pink or sky blue. Not good. Too bright or too dark should be avoided completely.



· Buy a little then buy a lot if you are sending someone to do the shopping. Have you ever seen a wedding of a very in the fashion forward bride where the asoebi looked like vomit and have you wondered if she hated her friends so much that she decided to make them wear such nonsense? I have. Usually, a diva bride ends up with horrible asoebi when she has someone else do the shopping. Because most of the materials are purchased from Nigeria and brought to the States for your wedding, you may end up just asking someone to buy the materials for you. Now what happens if you don’t like the material? Hmmm, this one is hard. There is no return policy in Naija so you are stuck with the materials. That’s why we say buy a little and if you like the little, then send for all.

· ANKARA: cheap, beautiful and probably the most likely to give disastrous results. The Ankara craze is in and everyone is using it in weddings these days. Ankara is beautiful and if well chosen, can add a lot of zaz to your wedding. Not to talk of the fact that your friends will thank you for the cheap price tag (you can generally get Ankara for $20 to $30 for 6 yards). There’s only one problem: some Ankara materials are really really busy looking and some are just plain UGLY!

o In general, we say just avoid any Ankara that has more than 2 colors. Remember you’ll have a lot of girls wearing the same material and you don’t want them looking like a rainbow.

o In almost all cases, break Ankara up with a plain material. Instruct (don’t advise) your friends to mix in plain material with the Ankara. And in fact, go one step further by purchasing the material to be mixed in….sorry but some people just have really horrible taste and if you want those cute pictures, you have to insist on certain things

o Head tie, gele, headdress or whichever one you choose to call it: If you decide to choose a matching head ite, please please please do not choose a busy one. Remember Ankara already has more than one color and is already patterned so you have to somehow choose a head tie that’s not heavily patterned. Something with one color, like the increasingly popular net head tie is probably the best way to go.

· Remember, don’t just choose the material because it is beautiful; rather, in your head, try to picture if it will look good on 15 or more people. As with Ankara, avoid strongly patterned materials. These may look good on their own, but be very unattractive in group pictures with 3 or more people (and you know those group pictures are the reasons you did the whole asoebi thing in the first place).





To help ease your stress, you can use the “asoebi tools” we are developing on usnigerianevents.com to inform your friends of your asoebi and to also receive payments for your asoebi. It’s easy to use and it’s free as well.



For our brides in Nigeria who would like to dress their wedding party with items from U.S. designers purchased online, but have no credit cards to make the purchases, our sister company mybuyusa can make the purchases and organize the shipping for a reasonable fee. Please contact editors@fabnaija.com.



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A Reflection on the Past

August 1, 2008 Making him smile………causing his laughter…..was my joy Frequently I prayed for him……..for his success……….for his happiness I loved him…………truly I loved him And Gosh………………yes, yes………he broke my heart The days following the breakup were the worst It was like the world…….my world………ceased to exist My heart ached…………I'd never felt so much pain And the tears………….the tears would not stop falling………..I could not stop crying I stopped living………..I could not function Everything, everyone reminded me of him………of us………of our moments The pain was seemingly unbearable……..I could feel my heart break under the weight of it My today…..and tomorrows…………held no promise, with him gone And then………..my tomorrow is today There is music………laughter….fun……………….the pain long gone The memories have faded……….his presence ceases to make my heart skip a beat He remains a friend……….a beloved friend But my heart…………my emotions, affections, attentions…………..belong to another Hmmm…………the way of the world I never thought I would get over him………….that I could stop loving him Such characterizations now make me smile I loved…………I lost……………I moved on………….I've moved on…… Hmmmm! This is deep o! Edit Comment By: Jumoke on August 1, 2008 at 4:46 pm Reply