In the interest of full disclosure, I must say that I am not the best bridesmaid a woman could have on her bridal train. In the wedding in question, I bitched about the style of the dress, the updo (which turned out to be quite beautiful if I should say so myself) and the style and color of the shoes.
But what I lacked in bridemaidism-cooperation (if such a term exist), I more than made up for in excitement. I balled my eyes out when the wedding website was unveiled…..and I happened to be on rotations in a damn hospital (folks were wondering why this black chic was crying at work………….trust me, it wasn’t a pretty picture). I lost composure when I saw her walk down the aisle on her wedding day. And that first dance…………..Lord, did I embarrass myself, and the poor guy sitting next to me.
Okay…………since I have revealed all my sins, I am about to let my wrath out on the bridesmaid who will be referred to as “Bella”.
I have never met anyone who could do nothing right………….that is before I met Bella. Weeks after the wedding, I still can’t figure out if she defied the bride’s orders on purpose or if she was just plain clueless. My gut tells me that no one is that stupid………………..really!!
As part of the bridal train, we were REQUIRED to have an updo, French pedicures, silver peep-toe shoes and a custom made dress……….simple requirements. With requirements this simple, you’d think that your bridesmaids would comply (albeit grudgingly) to your demands. NOOOOOOOOOOOOO…….not Bella!! Did that chic work my last nerves?
She walked into the wedding rehearsal with an updo that looked nothing like what the bride desired. Heck, we found it hard to believe that she was using the updo for the wedding. And this, my dears, began a series of events that ended up irritating even the bride herself.
Saying she did nothing right is the understatement of the year. Instead of French pedicures, she had on some silver nail polish thingy. Her updo was/is a mockery of anything called an updo. Her dress was extremely ill-fitting because she did not have a final fitting. The aso-ebi for the reception was non-existent. Her attitude throughout the wedding was one of selfishness——-nonchalance——lackadaisical——lordcouldIgoonandon
And to top-off it all off, was the shoes…………..god the shoes. The bride requested silver-metallic shoes, she wore shoes that were akin to black. How does one confuse silver/metallic for black? Who is that stupid/selfish? Apparently Bella is!!!!
Till the day I die, I will never forget the look (should I say shock) on the bride’s face when she saw those shoes. LOL. If looks could kill. And you could see the damn shoes in some of the pictures. She’s lucky the bride is the polite sort. I would have kicked her off my train. Her and that damned groomsman (Look for the Article featuring Ben…………coming soon)
Bella……………lovely Bella. Somewhere during the reception, she melted into oblivion. Truly, no one knew what became of her after dinner.
While, I am a big advocate of looking hot when on a bridal train. But abegi, to do Bridesmaid no be by force. Them no beg you to come do bridesmaid. Heck, Bella requested to be one. So if you can’t comply with the wishes of the bride or you find her requests to be too idiotic/demanding/financially draining for you, then get off the damn train.
So, to all the Bellas of this world……………beware the wrath of brides who think like me. Spare us the agony of dealing with your crap…………………..and the annoyance of seeing you ruin my wedding pictures. I paid for the damn wedding pictures. Don’t ruin them, damn it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
have you ever had a horrible bmaid or being a horrible bmaid yourself?
Chi chi
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Without a Man, I am Nothing
He had this condescending laugh that drove me crazy
Like the fact that he was a man…..an African man…..better yet, a Nigerian man……made him better than me…
Because somehow, this made him superior
Irrespective of the fact that I was more accomplished than him
Apparently my accomplishments are decimated by the absence of a life partner
My worth determined by the presence of a man
Without him, I am nothing………
And my accomplishments, naught!!
Her behavior towards me is similar to his……………..
She has this air of superiority that amuses me
Because I was supposed to be jealous of her
After all, she was married and with child, and I………I am single
Even though I hate……..loathe…..pity…..dread…..her lifestyle
Indeed, she’s convinced I want to be like her………married and with child
But is that my lot as an African……..a Nigerian…..a woman
Am I not allowed to dread motherhood, at this age………….and all that comes with it?
Am I not allowed to be narcissistic……..?
To love my body, my weight, my breasts (sorry boobs)…….more than the joys of motherhood
Yes, I am single……………and still loving it
I am not beholden to anyone………….I can come and go as I please
My money is MY MONEY………….to be used on me………not the family, not the babies…me
And when I walk into a room, I still turn heads……..like never before
So tell me….what’s so great about marriage, again?
The responsibilities…………….the in-laws………the babies??
The weight gain, saggy boobs, stretch marks, sleepless nights, sacrifices………..that come after babies???
See………….it’s a choice………..my singlehood
I’m not in the wifey..babymaking…..motherhood…..whatever… mind frame yet
So save the pity, the derision…………….they make me gag
And the hookups…………God, the hookups
Unless he’s hella hot……and filthy rich, don’t even bother
I’ll meet him at my own time…………..
My priority right now is me, my career, my future…..my money
Like the fact that he was a man…..an African man…..better yet, a Nigerian man……made him better than me…
Because somehow, this made him superior
Irrespective of the fact that I was more accomplished than him
Apparently my accomplishments are decimated by the absence of a life partner
My worth determined by the presence of a man
Without him, I am nothing………
And my accomplishments, naught!!
Her behavior towards me is similar to his……………..
She has this air of superiority that amuses me
Because I was supposed to be jealous of her
After all, she was married and with child, and I………I am single
Even though I hate……..loathe…..pity…..dread…..her lifestyle
Indeed, she’s convinced I want to be like her………married and with child
But is that my lot as an African……..a Nigerian…..a woman
Am I not allowed to dread motherhood, at this age………….and all that comes with it?
Am I not allowed to be narcissistic……..?
To love my body, my weight, my breasts (sorry boobs)…….more than the joys of motherhood
Yes, I am single……………and still loving it
I am not beholden to anyone………….I can come and go as I please
My money is MY MONEY………….to be used on me………not the family, not the babies…me
And when I walk into a room, I still turn heads……..like never before
So tell me….what’s so great about marriage, again?
The responsibilities…………….the in-laws………the babies??
The weight gain, saggy boobs, stretch marks, sleepless nights, sacrifices………..that come after babies???
See………….it’s a choice………..my singlehood
I’m not in the wifey..babymaking…..motherhood…..whatever… mind frame yet
So save the pity, the derision…………….they make me gag
And the hookups…………God, the hookups
Unless he’s hella hot……and filthy rich, don’t even bother
I’ll meet him at my own time…………..
My priority right now is me, my career, my future…..my money
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
New Recipes: Samosa, Peanut Soup, Rice Balls, Western African Salad
SAMOSA OR SAMBOSA
Spring roll wrappers, frozen spring roll pastry or you can buy samosa pastry strips or samosa wrappers, specially prepared for samosas and available from selected outlets.
Samosa fillings- Remember to cook the filling ingredients before filling.
Though samosa size and shape may vary, the ingredients are much the same, minced beef, lamb or chicken, tuna, potatoes, peas, lentils, onions, garlic, carrots, cauliflower, spinach, cheese, even leftovers, can all be used to make any kind of fried or baked stuffed small pastry. You can also used ground/minced meat and mixed vegetables seasoned with curry and seasoned salt as a filling.
You can put absolutely anything you want in your samosa, and spice it as you wish. Be careful not to overfill the samosa, that it is not too wet, and to ensure the ends are closed up well or the filling will leak out and it will absorb too much oil.
Creating a samosa
1. Take a spring roll wrap and cut into half, with each piece, put a tablespoon of your filling in the middle. Bring the edges together in a triangular shape or what ever shape you can attain. Brush the edges with beaten eggs and press lightly with your fingers or a folk.
2. Roll the wrap into a cone, overlapping the edges and pinching or wetting to seal. Stuff the cone with a big spoonful or two of filling, then pinch the open end closed (wetting if necessary), forming a puffy triangle.
3. Put a teaspoon of filling at one end and fold the wrap over diagonally, then fold again and again, still keeping a triangular shape and ensuring the folds overlap. Moisten the end of the strip with water or beaten egg and press lightly. Brush with egg yolk if you're going to bake them.
4. Fry your samosas until brown but not too dark. It is best to make this the day you plan to serve it, because heating it up looses the crunch and some of the taste.
BEANS STEW
3 tbsp vegetable oil
1 large onion, sliced
2-3 garlic cloves, crushed or diced
1 can chopped tomatoes or tomato sauce
2 cups black-eyed beans (cooked)
2 cans geisha fish (drained) – add a can of sardines (your choice)
2 bay leaves
1 tsp cayenne pepper
Curry, salt and red pepper or 1 habanero pepper (grounded)
1. Heat the oil in a large saucepan. Cook the onions, garlic and pepper over low
heat until soft.
2. Add the tomatoes and let cook for about 5 minutes.
3. Add the cooked beans, geisha (and or sardines), bay leaf and simmer for 20 minutes. Season with salt and curry.
4. Serve with fried plantains and rice.
FRIED PLANTAINS AND GINGER
10 ripe Plantains
Vegetable oil
½ cup of Ginger
½ teaspoon of salt
1. Pour oil into pan (for deep frying) and let it heat.
2. Peel the plantains and slice them diagonally or into cubes.
3. Sprinkle the salt on it and mix together.
4. Peel and blend ginger and mix with plantains.
5. Fry in hot oil until brown.
6. Serve itself or as a side dish.
GROUNDNUT (PEANUT) SOUP AND RICE BALLS
2 Lbs Chicken, or Goat, or Beef
Garlic, onion, salt and pepper (Habanero pepper)
Tomato puree or sauce enough to cover the meat
3-4 table spoons of Groundnut paste or Peanut butter
3-4 cups of Rice
GROUNDNUT SOUP
1. Prepare the meat for cooking.
2. Season the pieces of meat with garlic, onions, salt and pepper.
3. Add tomato puree or sauce. Add enough tomatoes to almost cover the meat, if puree, mix it first with water to almost cover the meat and let it cook until meat it almost ready.
(Cooking the meat in the tomato sauce makes it more tasty and juicy)
4. Add enough water to now cover the meat and let it cook another 2 minutes.
5. Take a cup of the hot stock from the meat in a separate bowl and mix in the groundnut paste or peanut butter until it’s all blended and pour the mixture back into the pot and bring it to a simmer for 20 minutes.
6. Serve with rice balls.
RICE BALLS
1. Boil the rice with a cup more water than normal to make it soft.
2. Let it overcook and when the rice is very soft, stir it with a wooden spoon as if you were preparing fufu to mash the rice even more.
3. Mould the rice into balls and place on a tray (please use a bowl because it will be very hot)
4. Serve hot with groundnut soup.
WEST AFRICAN SALAD
1 bag lettuce
1/2 head cabbage
2 fresh ripe tomatoes (do not used the seeds)
½ cup Heinz salad cream
6 – 8 boiled eggs
A few sticks of carrot
1 cucumber
1 can of corn beef (preferable the Exeter brand)
1. In a big mixing bowl, add your lettuce, sliced cabbage, 1 sliced tomatoes, diced carrots, sliced or diced cucumber, corn beef and 3 or 4 diced boiled eggs and mix together.
2. Add the Heinz salad cream and mix evenly.
3. Slice the other tomato and rest of eggs (with an egg slicer) and spread across your salad for decoration.
4. Take a 2 table spoons of Heinz salad cream, add 2 table spoons of milk, mix and brush it across your salad over the eggs and tomatoes.
5. Serve salad as a side. Keep refrigerated if not ready to serve.
PS: You can add cooked macaroni (preferably the smaller ones)
Spring roll wrappers, frozen spring roll pastry or you can buy samosa pastry strips or samosa wrappers, specially prepared for samosas and available from selected outlets.
Samosa fillings- Remember to cook the filling ingredients before filling.
Though samosa size and shape may vary, the ingredients are much the same, minced beef, lamb or chicken, tuna, potatoes, peas, lentils, onions, garlic, carrots, cauliflower, spinach, cheese, even leftovers, can all be used to make any kind of fried or baked stuffed small pastry. You can also used ground/minced meat and mixed vegetables seasoned with curry and seasoned salt as a filling.
You can put absolutely anything you want in your samosa, and spice it as you wish. Be careful not to overfill the samosa, that it is not too wet, and to ensure the ends are closed up well or the filling will leak out and it will absorb too much oil.
Creating a samosa
1. Take a spring roll wrap and cut into half, with each piece, put a tablespoon of your filling in the middle. Bring the edges together in a triangular shape or what ever shape you can attain. Brush the edges with beaten eggs and press lightly with your fingers or a folk.
2. Roll the wrap into a cone, overlapping the edges and pinching or wetting to seal. Stuff the cone with a big spoonful or two of filling, then pinch the open end closed (wetting if necessary), forming a puffy triangle.
3. Put a teaspoon of filling at one end and fold the wrap over diagonally, then fold again and again, still keeping a triangular shape and ensuring the folds overlap. Moisten the end of the strip with water or beaten egg and press lightly. Brush with egg yolk if you're going to bake them.
4. Fry your samosas until brown but not too dark. It is best to make this the day you plan to serve it, because heating it up looses the crunch and some of the taste.
BEANS STEW
3 tbsp vegetable oil
1 large onion, sliced
2-3 garlic cloves, crushed or diced
1 can chopped tomatoes or tomato sauce
2 cups black-eyed beans (cooked)
2 cans geisha fish (drained) – add a can of sardines (your choice)
2 bay leaves
1 tsp cayenne pepper
Curry, salt and red pepper or 1 habanero pepper (grounded)
1. Heat the oil in a large saucepan. Cook the onions, garlic and pepper over low
heat until soft.
2. Add the tomatoes and let cook for about 5 minutes.
3. Add the cooked beans, geisha (and or sardines), bay leaf and simmer for 20 minutes. Season with salt and curry.
4. Serve with fried plantains and rice.
FRIED PLANTAINS AND GINGER
10 ripe Plantains
Vegetable oil
½ cup of Ginger
½ teaspoon of salt
1. Pour oil into pan (for deep frying) and let it heat.
2. Peel the plantains and slice them diagonally or into cubes.
3. Sprinkle the salt on it and mix together.
4. Peel and blend ginger and mix with plantains.
5. Fry in hot oil until brown.
6. Serve itself or as a side dish.
GROUNDNUT (PEANUT) SOUP AND RICE BALLS
2 Lbs Chicken, or Goat, or Beef
Garlic, onion, salt and pepper (Habanero pepper)
Tomato puree or sauce enough to cover the meat
3-4 table spoons of Groundnut paste or Peanut butter
3-4 cups of Rice
GROUNDNUT SOUP
1. Prepare the meat for cooking.
2. Season the pieces of meat with garlic, onions, salt and pepper.
3. Add tomato puree or sauce. Add enough tomatoes to almost cover the meat, if puree, mix it first with water to almost cover the meat and let it cook until meat it almost ready.
(Cooking the meat in the tomato sauce makes it more tasty and juicy)
4. Add enough water to now cover the meat and let it cook another 2 minutes.
5. Take a cup of the hot stock from the meat in a separate bowl and mix in the groundnut paste or peanut butter until it’s all blended and pour the mixture back into the pot and bring it to a simmer for 20 minutes.
6. Serve with rice balls.
RICE BALLS
1. Boil the rice with a cup more water than normal to make it soft.
2. Let it overcook and when the rice is very soft, stir it with a wooden spoon as if you were preparing fufu to mash the rice even more.
3. Mould the rice into balls and place on a tray (please use a bowl because it will be very hot)
4. Serve hot with groundnut soup.
WEST AFRICAN SALAD
1 bag lettuce
1/2 head cabbage
2 fresh ripe tomatoes (do not used the seeds)
½ cup Heinz salad cream
6 – 8 boiled eggs
A few sticks of carrot
1 cucumber
1 can of corn beef (preferable the Exeter brand)
1. In a big mixing bowl, add your lettuce, sliced cabbage, 1 sliced tomatoes, diced carrots, sliced or diced cucumber, corn beef and 3 or 4 diced boiled eggs and mix together.
2. Add the Heinz salad cream and mix evenly.
3. Slice the other tomato and rest of eggs (with an egg slicer) and spread across your salad for decoration.
4. Take a 2 table spoons of Heinz salad cream, add 2 table spoons of milk, mix and brush it across your salad over the eggs and tomatoes.
5. Serve salad as a side. Keep refrigerated if not ready to serve.
PS: You can add cooked macaroni (preferably the smaller ones)
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